Saturday, August 22, 2015

My heart just hurts......

I'm sitting in my hostel room all alone far away from my family dishearted hoping for a miracle which I know is never going to happen just thinking how did I came to be in this position. In all my previous posts I really have written how rebellious I was while growing up but that round faced short haired broad eyebrows girl had so many who had loved her than this curved thin eyebrowed girl who is just alone . I don't find myself intelligent or beautiful any more. All I think is I'm a piece of crap . If you read my blogs you would know how much I loved myself which I don't now. Apart of me is alive in my books which are never going to get published , these blogs which I read to make myself happy, in those dreams which are never going to get fulfilled.

Few months after joining medical school I always felt why I'm not being serious I always wanted this, oneday I realized its because my dream was to join WHO or redcross and work in 3rd world countries or to open a small therapy center for old and kids but circumstances made me change my path I would have been happy if I would not have to stand on the cliff all by myself alone.

I'm not the person that people think Iam there is lot good and interesting left in me but its not coming out as I'm jailed. I always knew I was bad being with someone , never wished to get married or have kids or even to love someone.

When people abandon you they just do. They just don't realize how much it means to you , they would enjoy their life and you have to sink they might think you are jealous but aren't they the one who first said they will keep you in part of everything.

I just want to run, sit alone , write books . Everytime I comeback after fight with anyone is not because I hate breakups or I hate hooking up with many its only because running away is easy but holding back is difficult yet it is the right thing to do. But sometimes people throw you back so many times you don't feel like coming back again. You don't feel worthful.

My heart just hurts so badly. I even cry alone I don't like sharing sadness with others. Its like same other day where I would cry bad and pretend I slept late the other day. But I know it has to stop my heart is not a toy.

I remember during my childhood once I read miracles happen with people who have troubles and I always used to think my dead grandpa would come as a miracle to save me . After that I had so many imaginary friends . But later I outgrew all of it. The worst part of human life is growing up especially for a girl who lived in her stories.

Giving all up seemed nothing at first but giving all up for someone who just thinks I'm pysco hurts alot now.

I know there are many people with more bad condition than me in this world but my heart just hurts.

I understand now why my parents aren't happy together, I understand now what my mother ment when she said two people can't be happy more than 20years . I understand all those people who breakup . Its because sometimes people just give up . Its better not to get into any relationship rather than unhappily clinging on to one till the end.

I understand now all the sad woman characters in my stories are me, I stretched my hand for help but life is not a story so obviously no one will save me except me.

I was born prematurely , I suffered with stammering, I was victim of severe bullying in junior high but still I fought all those odds to live up to here. I will fight till I find my way so that in future when I'm living all alone in a wooden house in some hill station and if I meet people who were in love/hate relationship with me with their partner happy I would feel such a relief that I'm not with them and I would be proud that I didn't let both of us drown.

Monday, June 29, 2015


I have recently seen a video online and a thought just popped into my mind that how would it be if I write a letter to future me? So here it goes,

Sudhi when you are reading this post you will be 10years older than now. I hope you are as cool as now , I hope trekking, pottery and painting became your regular hobbies , I hope mom dad are fine and are living with you,  I hope you found your true love, I hope you are married and has opened your own therapy center. As you are 31 now its best time for you to have kids just like you planned. No matter how many people are hating you around I hope you are still growing strong. I hope you became independent and are earning enough without the support of your husband. I hope my lovely brother is living independent financially,  I hope sister is settled too, I hope you finally got a pitbull as a graduation gift and are reading this post petting him.

Are you getting your free time ?

I hope you are rich enough to hire a maid ( I know how much you hate doing house work)

Are you finally living in a house with big lawn ?

Have you visited any forgein country?

How many nieces and nephews do you have ? Are you being a good aunt?

Are those people who irritate you the most still around you?

Does you , Chandu, manu hangout like old times?

Sudhi I want you to know that if you are struck with a wrong person in a suffocating situation feel free to leave him. If you are not enjoying your life in city there is always plan B. Don't let any stupid person change you.

I hope you love yourself as much as you do now.

I hope you still sometimes open Facebook to see your old pics.

I hope you are fit like now.

I hope you are still writing stories.                               

                                             With so much love,

Sunday, April 12, 2015

5years of blogging and 5years of abandoned dreams..!!!

Hi friends,

This post is special , seriously I can't believe that my blogs are 5 years old already and I thank my readers from the bottom of my heart who made this journey possible...

When I started this blog 5 years back I was just a simple gal who was very crazy and all she wanted to do in her life was trekking and medical service in all 3rd world countries. But fortunately or unfortunately she grew up into to this astonishing young compliment)

If you ask me what amazes me the most I just keep thinking, is it me moving out of the house? Is it me growing up and understanding things? Is it knowing new facts? I just don't know.  At starting I was picked on often due to my less knowledge on sex talk and less interest in boys .. Talking about boys I was very scared of boys in my teens all my friends had boyfriends and I was the one who always ran away when ever asked on a date but now things changed I simply reject and I least care. I'm more confident now and I look lot better.

The only thing I regret the most is I had the best group of friends from 8th to 12th and I don't now , my friends who still remember each and every single bit of me which I don't. People often ask me does it hurt when you are constantly mocked? Yes ofcourse it hurts but sometimes its better if you move on and take things lite.

I still believe in being good to everyone whether its a friend or an enemy and I will keep doing that till my end no matter what happens..

Marriage is still a big question mark in my life I donno why , when ever I tell people I will marry after 10years they are like what the heck!! The question is can any one control this adventurous mind of mine? The gal who lives doing multiple works , having multiple dreams and who doesn't believe in system of marriage.. I can't be that typical Indian daughter-in-law doing poojas and taking care of children etc etc I even don't think of having kids for next 10years but ironically I love kids . I often think can anyone think of having a daughter-in-law in a gal who dreams about writing books on a roof top, a gal who dreams about working in war zone and a gal who thinks of climbing mountains..

My death is definitely when I'm locked in a single room when I have nothing much work to do , yes I die everyday. I die everyday when I talk to people who are not innovative, I die everyday when I see people who are having freedom , I die everyday because of restriction, I die whenever some idiot tells me I can't do it but it doesn't make me wish not to reborn the next day, I know today is hard but tomorrow may be good.

One of the things that keep me alive is the wonderful people I meet in the hospital, my profession.. I know it is hard to be a doctor but I also know that I was born to be a doctor. I live in my dreams of opening a therapy center, I live in every child who thinks differently and I live in that every naughty kid I see.

The  thing that scares me the most is if I get married it is literally killing the dream of opening a therapy center, dream of being a doctor I want to be not what they want me to be and having my freedom disappear.

I wish I was born in some other country apart from India where gals have freedom to make their dreams come true. The destiny of every Indian gal is marriage, jobs , kids and in-laws and gals like me end up the same.

It was surely hard after loosing my dog of 10years (whom I had from 7th grade to 2nd year medicine) he was the only one who loved me for what I am , I don't feel like going home anymore it feels empty without him..

I do feel bad about people who betrayed me, bad friendships I made, bad decisions I took and the way how many people turned out to look at me but they were all my decisions no one forced me so I just keep going straight..

When you grow up you will realize somethings are just promises , people who boast about being on your side are the first ones to run away , this is one big crazy world which we live in the only way to survive is never give up loving yourself...

You will realize that when you are a kid you dream about being a lone ranger having a pet tiger but all you could be is nothing more than someone's wife. In future incase if I have kids I would definitely tell them to preserve and achieve their wildest fantasies because there will be a 100 people in a row who will try whatever possible to make you not achieve that and you will have some more 100 people who will discourage you.

So my funda in life is very simple I just love myself and I keep searching for better path...

               ~ Life is all about how you write it and when I die atleast these blogs will remain~

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How I fell and stood up..!!

Hi friends,

   I know its been so long since I last posted but I'm thinking to post every week from today like old days ... 

  In all these years I have seen my self grow from a girl to a lady I have seen a phase of a gal who faced extreme bullying in childhood and who stood up all that to a gal who was very adventurous to a lady who is thrown up into a restricted area and yet again facing bullying but sadly this time she can't be adventurous anymore ..

I know all these people who bully me now regarding my looks are changing me into someone I really don't want to be . I never yell at people but I did that lately and I regret it ,sometimes I find it so offensive how others take so much interest in my life than their own and I have developed an eating disorder with all these stress yet strangely I started loosing weight.

I donno why I blame myself for all the failed relationships I'm in , I never understand the scenario how could someone think of hurting other person with lame words its completely vague to comment on others looks. I'm not beautiful and I never think about it not even once the only time I look at my face is when I'm brushing my teeth and this is the truth of my life and it just confuses me how someone could tell on my face " you are ugly and skinny" , I never comment on others looks , I never gossip and if I have spare time I would write stories or read novels or draw something. 

More than hurting me it disturbs me how inspite of all these things happening around the world all that  someone thought of doing was simply to hurt others on their beauty which they surely require any time because real beauty lies in the heart and they are bunch of ugly people because they don't have a heart..

I remember all those bullies from childhood who are now eagerly waiting for me to apologize them , they have ended up getting bad grades doing odd courses , I ended up in medical school getting good grades and I know karma is a bitch if you live your life plotting against others you will drown in the same hole you are digging in . I have seen many examples of these through out my life till now.

I always just think only one thing, I would live up to tell this story of how I stood up fighting against all odds and they would die in grief .

Today they might be powerful but there is a tomorrow of all the sins we do and it will cost them more than they deserve.

I could ruin them if I want to but that's not the person I am , I know there is something special in me that's why they are jealous of me.

I always tell this every one who are bullied that there is some thing special in you  making them insecure.

I learned to live in peace, thanks to some of the wonderful people who are still in my life, yes I too have lows in my life don't think I'm a super human lol..!! 

These experiences make me go forward and see life more deeply, life is not always about sugars and cream berrys its also about sour pickles and all you have to do is be patient because you never know and the waiter may serve you cream berry this time.

Friday, January 2, 2015

It wasn't all about getting rid of 2014 it was about how I kept up with myself!!!!!

Hi Friends!!!

Hurray!!!! Its new year and I'm totally happy because 2014 was not at all a good year for me . Well.... what can I say , I have lost my dog of 10years , I have lost my friend and even my beloved people suffered with few health issues so concludingly it was a very bad year for me . As I mentioned above it wasn't all about getting rid of 2014 it was about how I kept up with myself in hard situations. I never thought that I could be so strong in life as every situation was surely a experience of something new for me...

Even though I want it to change past is past so its better to live upto the mark in future...

My new resolutions here on the line!!!

1) To stay clam and peaceful always.

2) To educate people the benefits of  vegetarianism.

3) To spread awareness about animal adoption ( especially for animals with special needs).

4) Of course , gotta concentrate on studies and get good grades.

5) To Try to maintain good physic .

6) To stop being a lazy dooschbag !!

7) To eat healthy.

8) To stay in touch with all my friends.

9) To bring smile on at least one person's face.

10) To do my part in helping poor and needy!!!

Have a nice year friends.. Thanks for reading...

Thursday, December 18, 2014


Hello friends ,
   Umm..!! I guess I'm posting after a decade isn't it?? I wonder if I have any readers left lol.. Medical school is defiantly a tough business. 

Recently it was when tired me doozing off on my study table telling my inner self to be careful not to fall on my pen hanger the sight of my green color pencil bleeps me and strangely the first incidence that striked my head was my great grandma's Saree (she literally had all green saree's ) I remember how she used to teach me hard poems in Telugu and smiled when ever I recited them correct , I remember her extra wrinkled skin , I remember how independent and dynamic she was even at that age , she was the only woman in her  village who could recite the entire Bagwath Geeta in Sanskrit and only one of that kind I know. When ever I remember her I remember my grandfather her son who was the ultimately talented and kind person I ever known if he wanted he could have become filty rich but all he chose was to help people , I remember how he died so early, I remember making that decision never to attend any funerals after attending his , I even remember his last words with me he wanted me to become a doc which I'm fulfilling ...

It's like a chain reaction when ever I think about my grandpa I think about my super cool Dad . My relation with my dad is unusual because mostly in India fathers run military schools for their daughters with hell of rules and regulations and mine didn't pose even one on me , I'm proud that I still sit on my dad's lap even pull his cheeks , scare him all the time , we crack jokes together and it was my dad who taught me cooking , we cook together , we go shopping together and till date he never restricted me on anything not even when I wear any short dress not even on any matter regarding love its like he trusts me somehow. My friends who see us together often ask me the reason for the extra added spice in our relationship but truth is its him who always treasured the relationship like that.

Talking about restrictions sometimes its hard to digest but its true that even in this 21st century there are women who feel  gals who work won't make a good wife , women who dream of becoming nothing but housewives , young educated women who know nothing about what is happening around the world apart from makeup and I'm living in sucha dumb ass place where we don't have freedom no matter how I hate it I  have to stay because of my education. 

I remember that kid who used to jump walls to run away from dance class , I remember that sporty little gal who loved basketball and cricket not to forget she was a die hard gamer I even remember playing halo online creating a fake profile as a boy . I remember that intelligent gal who read books beyond her age or that animal freak who wanted a pet Chinese garden lizard or a Bengal tiger.

Some times I feel like it's all wasted. I was unique but I ended up in a place similar to BC era with no thoughts of inventions and inovations .Even if this was good there is no guarantee that I would end up in a much better place in upcoming future umm.. Marriage? I hardly think so , someday or the other I will end up like any other gal which I least want. I don't think I'm useful when I loose the fire inside me completely. People often say I would be a terrible mother who would care her pet animals more than her kids on contrary I'm the favorite of all my nieces and nephews its because I let them do whatever they want , which is wrong and yes I would be a terrible mother but still I love kids and 
animals a lot I never understand the logic how many gals even get scared of puppies and over react ..

I do feel like shouting at those dumb people around me that " gals if you call it feminine its not feminine its bizarre why do you try so hard for those who are ignoring you and how dare you call me a boy only because i don't put on any makeup and nail polish , why do you stare at me? these are just shorts I'm not walking nude , yes I don't feel shy eating in front of boys so what? , yes I never go to temples but do you people at least know even a single bit written in geeta , Ramayana or Mahabharata? I know because I read them way back , yes I'm thin at least I'm not dieting , why do you contradict me you bitches when you are not perfect in any angle  atleast I love myself" though how much I feel like saying this I can't I wish I could tell them that looking posh or doing posh stuff won't help them in future if they don't have self courage they would ultimately end up looking like old mamas without Any respect..

I remember my adventurous life till 12th after that everything changed , priorities changed . 20 is not a cool number sadly. yes it irritates me when I'm restricted on doing something but it is sometimes healthy to make others happy. I never thought I would be tamed so well :-)  .

I remember going into a slum once and getting awestruck by the beautiful smell of the food from each house ( it was lunch time). we earn money for prestige, good future , blah blah blah but they earn money just to fill their tummies interesting isn't it??!!

Bagwath geeta say's a person shouldn't be attached to anything not even to his own body may be that's why I'm not attached to anything.

The thing that keeps me alive through all these fuss is my profession , being a doctor is like an adventure each and every single day , the feeling of seeing life coming in to existence , the feeling of holding a newly born child , the feeling while seeing a person leave his last breath are surely inexpressible. I sometimes feel I made a right decision taking this profession as my enthusiasm would never have grown in any other profession and I couldn't thank my wonderful grandpa for thinking so beyond about me way back... :-) 


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Shades of Love

Hi friends,
How have you all been? It's like a decade I have last posted. Well guys people say love hurts! Ya, love hurts but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it.

I know it hurts when someone break any promise, it hurts when someone cheats on you, it hurts when someone ignores you.

It's not love what I see these days, it's purely is a business. It is not called love, when it makes you change, makes you end your dreams and becomes you some stupid dependable person.

My sincere request to all those who apologize without any mistakes to the partner,
never apologize for saying what you feel,
that's like saying, "Sorry, for being real".

 Love maybe good, but dependence is bad. What is the use of love that don't give you the freedom???

Standup for something, 
even it means standing alone.

Do you really need people who need reason for everything you do in your life???

Do it because you want to.
Because it's fun.
Because it makes you happy.

If you keep on waiting for the perfect moment, the moment will pass by and you will regret it.

My suggestion to all the people who wants to fall in love,

"Fall in love when you are ready not when you are ready."

Sometimes the hardest things in life are the right things we do.

The love without any reason is the most beautiful one, wait for it.

Always go on a date with someone who can take you anywhere without touching anything but only your heart.

Love is not about how much you say 'I love you', but how much you can prove that it's true.

Always remember guys, the person who loves you will come after you no matter how many hurdles come in between and don't ever love a person who never cares what you are passing by for him or her, because some times it's waste to end your life for someone who doesn't even care for you.

As a human the biggest wealth that you can have is your happiness and your independence. Don't lose it for a sake of one person.

If anyone ditch you always remember you cannot start the next chapter of the life if you keep reading the last one.