I guess its been a long time since I have last posted . l have thought about it many times but I was constantly depressed and I thought about all those cheerful thoughts I used to share about myself when I was young and crazy..!
If you read my old posts you would know I was always a over achiever in junior high and high school and I gave my best in everything whether it was friendship or helping anyone but first time I feel like I failed in a thing called love ...
It hurts so much. I'm a fighter I'm still fighting to keep this relationship alive.
But there was this time when I would tear all the stories I have written , started doing things what he liked became a complete different person genuinely thought of giving up everything for him because whatever I had felt so small beside him.
There were times when I asked him would you do same thing for me and he would say it's the best that someone is sacrificing strange isn't it?
Even though sacrificing was easy I was never really able to enjoy the new life because there was no one to recognise it and to support me.
When I said I'm not happy I became the mean depressed idiot who always lies.
All those times when someone breaks the promise and for all those times when someone ignores you ....
Yes I hate loosing whether it is exam or anything, I do everything in perfection and I love that but now even this medical degree for which I have worked hard entire my life seems nothing ...
Never bitched about anyone , never hurt anyone, never been disrespectful to my parents, never cheated still I failed.
The only thing that still keeps me going on is that there are so many people with horrible fate.
I never had let my ego hurt the relationship I did everything I can I didn't want to loose in it.
I donno why I'm still in this relationship where I'm been treated like a psycho there is nothing beautiful about it.
Mostly I have stopped trusting this guy for all that he has become.
I'm scared of him.
Still I don't want to loose him , do I love him? I donno ...
I guess I'm used to way of life living with him
I'm scared of trying something new and I'm scared of loosing because I have invested my 5 years into this.
All I'm left with is frustration because when you do good you expect good in return and that's how I think things work.
My life was fine when I was a crazy young who thought about travel and life in mountains , read too many books , had crush on all fictional characters, painted whatever came into mind .
I lost all my self confidence, I don't even think I can complete on more year of my med school. What did I do so wrong?
All these years all I just wanted was him to like me if not real atleast preemption .
One thing is clear true is only for people who are lucky my love is nothing but just a lovely lie....